Body Positivity with a Broken Body by Murder of Goths

I’m MoG, and I have a dysfunctional body.

 

As greetings go I’d imagine that’s a little unusual. Thing is, you wouldn’t know to look at me, my disability is invisible. It has changed so much of my life, from my body shape, to my health, to my hobbies, relationships, career and self image. For six years I have struggled with hatred for me body, along with total alienation from it.
I didn’t feel like I was a part of it, more like I was trapped inside it. There was a healthy young woman trapped inside this decrepit body.
Over those six years, as more and more problems developed I lost hope that I’d ever feel confident and happy with my body ever again.
Body Positivity with a Broken Body by Murder of Goths
Then at the beginning of this year I started to get involved in the plus size fashion world, following incredible bloggers (like Georgina here!) who exuded confidence. At first I thought, “that’s great, but it’ll never be me”. Then over time I started to take on board what they were saying, and things started to shift inside me more when I got my long awaited diagnosis.
I now know that I am hypermobile, you may know it as double jointed. While I cannot do any odd party tricks with my joints, it does mean I am (or at least was) quite flexible. Loads of people are hypermobile, but for an unlucky group of us it causes problems. Essentially our muscles are too loose to hold our joints in place and so have to work over time to stop the joints dislocating. This causes pain, it can also cause the muscles to stiffen up making the joints inflexible.
This was what started it for me, my upper back locked up one day. I woke up totally unable to move it and in agony.
From there my life changed. I was only 24. After that the problems started to appear in my elbows, hips, knees, wrists and fingers. I started getting partial dislocations in some of my joints.
As my mobility was completely wrecked I started to gain weight, and as I started to gain weight I found it harder and harder to get help. Questions about my back changed from helpful to, “well, if you lost a bit of weight” or “it’ll be your weight causing it, lose weight and you won’t be in pain”.
Body Positivity with a Broken Body by Murder of Goths
I started to become nervous of resting in public for fear my need to sit would be attributed to my weight not my joints. Going food shopping became tough because I feared people were judging me if I dared to buy quick food (food preparation is painful). I stopped caring for how I looked, it hurt to make an effort, even just brushing my hair is hard on me. And while I was getting larger I felt like it wasn’t worth trying, like I’d never feel confident again, and didn’t deserve to while I was so fat and broken.
Finding out about plus size bloggers made me realise I was wrong. I deserved to be happy and confident. My weight wasn’t the issue, my view of myself was. I was focussing on what I couldn’t do, not what I could.
So what if my body isn’t in the greatest shape, I can only do what is within my physical limits to do. If I wait until my body is thin or fixed to be happy with myself I am probably never going to be happy.
Body Positivity with a Broken Body by Murder of Goths
I can’t change my body, there’s no cure. It’s genetic. I can learn to manage it, and I can learn to work with it, but to do so I need to learn to care for it again. I need to learn to care for myself.
The plus size community has taught me to take pride in who I am, and know that I am not just my body. They’ve taught me that I don’t need to be ashamed of my body, that embracing my body instead of distancing myself from it is healthier physically and mentally. They’ve taught me acceptance, and offered their own.
So thank you Georgina for allowing me this space.
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  • Hayley Daley-Hannibal

    Wow what an inspiring story. I’m so glad your on the way to happiness i feel really inspired to look at how I treat my own body and love me a little more.

  • This was the most bloody inspirational thing I’ve read in a long time! I was always underweight as a teen and hated my body – and even though I’ve gained weight and am a healthy size 12 now I’m older, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m hypermobile too! And I manage to keep dislocating my knee and I even managed to break a hip this year!!! Take care of yourself haha I wouldn’t wish what’s happened to me on anyone. I also recently discovered that I have weak bones, which I’m not sure is related to the hypermobile situation; as apparently us hypermobile people are more susceptible to fun things like osteoporosis.

    Before I start moaning on anyway, just wanted you to know that this is a beautifully written, inspiring post and I’m glad I picked it as the first thing I read today :} You’re a babe and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

    xx http://www.lovelaughslipstick.com

    • Eurgh, it’s no fun is it. I’ve been lucky so far that I’ve only had partial dislocations, no full ones.

      Thank you for your comment xxx

  • “I can’t change my body, there’s no cure. It’s genetic. I can learn to manage it, and I can learn to work with it, but to do so I need to learn to care for it again.”

    Such a fantastic post! This is so inspirational, and I know for a fact there will be a lot of people, myself included, who really needed to read this today. 🙂 It’s wonderful that you’ve learned to love yourself again, and I hope you continue to do so.

  • What an inspiring post. Thank you so much for sharing it.

  • Fantastic post, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to come to terms with a diagnosis like this! You are beautiful and I’m glad you’re finally starting to be able to see it <3

    Jess xo
    http://just-jesss.blogspot.co.uk

    • Thank you, it is hard, and I have my bad days, but the plus size community has been amazingly supportive xx

  • Love this so much. I can relate and I’m so glad you have shared this. I always enjoy reading posts that spread body positivity!

  • Karen

    Such a brilliant post, and you look bloody amazing!!

    I have hyper-mobility and osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, so understand totally where you are coming from. It is frustrating when you are bombarded with constant images of the “perfect” body and everybody bragging about the gym, when you know you physically cannot do or be what they are x

    • Absolutely, I find the whole justification for when it’s ok to be overweight tough too. You know the, “she’s fat but she exercises loads”. That’s great for them, but I cannot physically do that.

      Thank you sweetheart x

  • Such a nice post. You are beautiful and I’m sorry that you’ve felt helpless in your own body.

    prettymadthings.blogspot.co.uk / / x

  • This is am amazing post. I have fibro and it often makes me feel at odds with my body, which can make body love difficult. I’m on the path to fixing that though. I’ve found following plus size blogs really helps me too.

  • I have Hyper-mobility, Scoliosis and sometimes suffer from Bursitis in one hip. Most of my life it hasn’t affected me at all, I’ve just been flexible and I danced for around 20 years. But over the last few years I’ve been starting to experience more problems including pain. Sometimes I’m fine, like at the moment, but other times it can be painful to try and walk, sit, or bend over/crouch down or just painful in general. Most of the time you can’t see that anything is wrong unless you catch me wincing in pain or happen to notice that my hips are very wonky! x

    Becky @ The Little Blog of Beauty